Wednesday, June 24, 2009

My New Plan To Fix Everything

Let's be honest, our current system of government is a hopeless failure. You could say our representative democracy has become an "un-representative democracy." You could also say our republic has become a "banana republic." But if you said that, you'd be lame. Trust me, I know. Because I just did. And now I hate me.

Still, I have the solution. Yes, I have the answer. My super-amazing brain has come up with a new form of government for the once greatest people on earth. (That's us. America. In case you're stupid. And if you're that stupid, you may be one of the reasons we've recently gone to crap.)

So here's my idea for overhauling the system. And no, it's not some stupid "new idea" that turns out to just be a quirky version of the same old retarded socialist system that every hippy thinks he just invented yesterday. No, the new form of government I present to you is called "The Reluctant Representative Republic." Here's how it works:

Instead of letting people run for, and subequently be elected to, public office; we will have a draft. Yes, a draft. Let me explain.

People who run for elected positions are just like people who seek other positions of power: they are the last people who need to be given such power. Good people who hate government don't try to join government - they just bitch about it and go about their productive lives trying to bother this nanny-state that wants to pester them. You never hear of a guy who gets into government and then says, "Wow, I sure wanna leave well enough alone and not bother people. That's my plan!" No, they mettle the crap out of everything with stupid experiments that drain us all. And in the end, we get screwed. Let me make that last sentence more accurate by removing a comma: "And in the end we get screwed."

So if we eliminate the right of the scoundrels to run for office, we still have to put someone in office - because someone still has to run things, now that the tyrannists are unemployed. So how do we do it?

With a draft!

That's right. A damn draft. It will work much like jury duty or forced military service we had up through the Vietnam War. Every year or two, every adult citizen in every town who isn't retarded or a violent felon has their name dropped into a bowl.

Then we all gather in the town square and pray we don't get picked. There will be a drawing for mayor. A drawing for town council. Even a drawing for dog catcher. And every one stands around for the big drawing and prays they don't get picked! And the winners (more accurately: losers) have to serve the elected office they were selected for for one term. I know you think I'm crazy, but seriously, a random person could run a city better than a person who is so sociopathic that they would actually want to run a city! And if you get picked, you never have to serve again after serving your one term. And just in case anyone gets picked who actually WANTS to hold public office, there will be cameras there gauging their reaction at the drawing. In other words, if you immediately smile when being picked to be mayor, you get disqualified from ever being the fucking mayor.

Thank you. I know everything. And I just saved America. You're freaking welcome.

The Play By Play

I'm watching the last 20 minutes of the Barack Obama/ABC News lovefest going on right now on my picture-box. It's called "Prescription for America." I'm going to comment on it as we watch.

ABC: All Barack Channel. (I thought that was funny for the first 1/10 of a second after I made it up. Then I remembered I wasn't 13 anymore. I wonder how many "serious journalists" will deem themselves clever for making the same lame joke.

Why is the president telling us his opinions on how we should decide our medical treatments. Last I remember I didn't ask my dermatologist how he would've handled a battle in Fallujah. Besides, I know the answer: He would've perscribed Dovonex for the entire batallion and then advised them to stay out of the sun.

Prez O just asked some guy what kind of insurance he has. That sounds like a question that would've been made illegal... by some unnecessary bureaucrat like Obama.

Ooh, he prounounced "Etc" properly. I'd call him articulate, but that's racist. Seriously though, I wanna shake his hand for "Et Cetera." I will kick you if you say "Excedera."

I think the mole on Obomber's nose is the real brains behind the conversation. (My dentist would've deemed him unfit for combat, due to that same mole.)

You can tell when a reporter, in this case Charlie Gibson, is in the tank for Obama, because Obama forgets to even pretend the questions are tough. And he also gets rid of his "uh, eh, ahhh, uhhs."

Diane Sawyer interrupted the Prez the very second he used the word "investment." Yeah, not a wise word choice for him these days. I know, I know - it's the effect of all the Bush policies. So are dead terrorists, but Obama doesn't bitch about that all the time.

If Sawyer or Gibson asked Obrah for his autograph, it would be funny if he said, "Ya'll already got it. It's on your paychecks."

For a guy who doesn't seem all that religous, Oba Wan sure is preachy.

Some lady in yellow is talking to Obama. She looks like Elizabeth Edwards with a tan. Tans can cause cancer. You know where I'm going with that, so I won't. Not because you wanted me to, but because there's really not a funny joke there. There almost is, but there's not.

Oblahblah's Chicago accent comes out when he says words like "Have to have." He pronounces it "HAYVE to HAYVE."

We're in commercial. I predict that Obama will make a lame twitter reference. Or has he already done it? I don't know. I was watching Chipper Jones until just now. Do you think Chipper tweets? Yeah, you dig my little word thing there. Wasn't that stupid?

Oh, local news time then they will rejoin the Mighty Obamacon on Nightline! I gotta stay up for that because well, because I just can't get enough of that Obamster. I think his mole winked at me.

Ooh, the local news anchor is on now. I drank beers with her and others last week. Her friend got me in trouble and all I was doing was standing there.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I hate people that hate labels

I can't stand people who say the following: "I hate labels."

Oh, shut up. Labels serve a purpose. At the very least, they are a form of communication. I like to know that one bus is labeled "City Bus" and another is labeled "Inmate Bus." If they weren't labeled, I might get on the wrong one and my butt would be very upset with me.

Another great thing about labels is that they save lives. I own a cylinder of rat poison. I also own a cylinder of sugar. Both are labeled. Guess which one I'm not putting in my coffee. Thanks, labels! I live another day - and it's all thanks to you!

This all brings me to political points of view. Whenever someone says the following to me in a whiny voice (and it seems to always in a whiny voice): "I just hate labels," I know that they are almost certainly going to be a liberal. There is a slight chance that the person may just be politically ignorant, but those people are always persuaded to support liberalism in the end, so really these are all the same people.

So when some says, "I don't like to label myself politically," I politely respond with "So you're a liberal, then?" And they always pound their fists and scream a little (another liberal give away - they're so easy to fluster) and say "I just told you! - I hate labels!"

So then we have to waste ten minutes of me with me taking a fine-toothed comb over this person's views and it goes like this:

Me: Illegal Immigration?

Them: They just want an opportunity and they're doing jobs Americans won't do.

Me: Increased Taxes?

Them: Yes, I believe in helping people.

Me: Abortion?

Them: Even in the 4th trimester!

Me: War on Terror?

Them: It will be a great day when the army has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber...

Me: Man made global warming?

Them: Stop talking, you're heating up North America with your carbon exhales!

Me: America's racial climate?

Them: It's all whitey's fault all the time.

Me: Iraq?

Them: Um, hello! President Clooney said we should focus on Darfur.----------------------------

OH MY GOSH! We've just wasted ten minutes of both of our lives with me quizzing your views on everything and all it did was lead me to the same conclusion I would've had if you had just summed it up in one sentence from the beginning: "I'm a liberal." But no, your dumbass has this immature hang up about "laaay-bulllls."

That's what I like about conservatives. They will slap their ideological dick on the table with this: "I'm a conservative." And once they do that, you can then discuss with them the few views with which they might deviate from the typical conservative label. Here's an example of how this works Some person says: "I'm a conservative. (Thwunk!) But I am not with them on the death penalty. I prefer life sentences to be carried out completely."

You see how it works? Labels don't just save lives and prevent butt-rape, they save ten minutes out of my precious day that ends up wasted quizzing people who have every liberal view on earth but refuse to call themselves a liberal. If you are it, don't be ashamed of it. Own your libby-ness, Libby Boys and Girls. And learn to love labels. And if you don't, I'll still be nice to you. You can even come over to my house and I'll serve you coffee. I have cream, and I have some sugar. At least, I think it's sugar. Then again, I'm not sure. I just hate labels.

Monday, June 8, 2009

You're Welcome, Fuckers

I am so sick of our president going around apologizing for America. It's not even the fact that almost every time he speaks, he is completely wrong. It's that he is full of shit. He's not sorry. He's perfect - at least he seems to act like he thinks this about himself. Every time he tilts his chin up to that sky in that obnoxious manner during a speech and says he's sorry, he's really laying the blame on America - old America (You and me and everyone else. Not him!)

You can't keep a straight face and tell me that every time this man goes to another country and talks shit about America and how arrogant and ideologically incorrect it is, that he is grouping himself into that category. No, he's saying he's cure! It's the rest of us ugly Americans that he deems himself the cure for. This is total crap. Our young nation has the greatest resume' on Earth. And I, for one, am not going to pretend we don't. (If I really have to list for you a whole bullet point memo of our accomplishments as a nation, then you are already too dumb to be helped. Just go watch Speidi or Hugh Jackman's biceps already - I'm sorry to have bothered you.)

If I had the time and the money, every time this president continued his apology tour by going to another country and unnecessarily groveling before ungrateful Europeans with his phony "me so sorries," I would also go to those same countries, and give them the "You're Freakin' Welcome" speech. We don't have shit to be sorry for. We have sacrificed more of our own to other countries - for no other reason than a belief in liberty - than any other people in history. And that's just one thing. We have done so much more in so many different areas of life to advance humanity. And I personally don't think it's moral (yes, I still use words like "moral") to go around pissing on the work of those guys by lying and saying America is bad. In no way could I ever fathom equating the work of our citizens, policy makers, and especially our soldiers with those of our enemies - past or present.

Some people have been conditioned to believe what I am about to say is simple-minded and antiquated. It's not. Here goes: Not all cultures are equal. Some our better than others. Our is the best. It ain't perfect (we're still men), but it's the best so far. And to say that a culture that liberates others is just as culpable as one that hangs their rape victims from soccer goals is more than just untrue. It's more than just insulting. It's more than just plain crazy. It's more than I can even describe. It's one of those things that just makes me defensively laugh like a mad man because there is nothing else I can do about it.

Every time this president "apologizes" he reminds me of the spineless peacemaker friend that we all have in our lives. You know this person. You're not exactly sure how you came to be friends with this guy, but for whatever reason, you still are. You know how it goes with this guy: you're hanging out at a party and someone you don't know disrespects you in a way that must be addressed. But the minute you rightly address the wrong by saying something to the rude person like, "Hey man, you were really fucked up to me just now. You better correct yourself immediately," that's when your stupid peacemaker friend cuts you off and apologizes to the crowd on your behalf in way that is patronizing towards you (even though he knows you were right) by saying some shit like "I'm sorry for my friend. He didn't mean what he just said. I'LLLL talk to him." And then your friend gives you a cowardly whisper that no one else can hear and says, "Please, please, please. I know that guy was fucked up to you, but can you just be quiet and take it. I've waited on this party all week and I don't want you to cause a scene. I know you were right, but will you please let it go, so we can stay?"

No I can't.

That's the guy that this president is. He's constantly running around saying "I'm sorry for my dumb friend (America.) Forgive him, he knows not what he does." And he's saying this to a bunch of despicable people who should actually be apologizing to us! The nerve of that man.

Since I don't have the time or money (or ability to draw an audience) to follow this president's apology tour with my very own "Your Welcome, Fuckers" tour, I at least want the following to statement to be a part of the public record. Here goes: I want my name taken of the list.

That's right. I am my own man. Nobody gets to apologize for me. Not even our Chief Executive. I decide who I apologize to and when I do it. So the next time this man apologizes to vile world leaders on behalf of America, I want a little footnote placed at the bottom of the speech. I just want a little mark that says, "The preceding apology excludes Roth Wriscey. He is, in fact, very much not sorry. And he wants you to know: you're welcome, fuckers."