Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I hate people that hate labels

I can't stand people who say the following: "I hate labels."

Oh, shut up. Labels serve a purpose. At the very least, they are a form of communication. I like to know that one bus is labeled "City Bus" and another is labeled "Inmate Bus." If they weren't labeled, I might get on the wrong one and my butt would be very upset with me.

Another great thing about labels is that they save lives. I own a cylinder of rat poison. I also own a cylinder of sugar. Both are labeled. Guess which one I'm not putting in my coffee. Thanks, labels! I live another day - and it's all thanks to you!

This all brings me to political points of view. Whenever someone says the following to me in a whiny voice (and it seems to always in a whiny voice): "I just hate labels," I know that they are almost certainly going to be a liberal. There is a slight chance that the person may just be politically ignorant, but those people are always persuaded to support liberalism in the end, so really these are all the same people.

So when some says, "I don't like to label myself politically," I politely respond with "So you're a liberal, then?" And they always pound their fists and scream a little (another liberal give away - they're so easy to fluster) and say "I just told you! - I hate labels!"

So then we have to waste ten minutes of me with me taking a fine-toothed comb over this person's views and it goes like this:

Me: Illegal Immigration?

Them: They just want an opportunity and they're doing jobs Americans won't do.

Me: Increased Taxes?

Them: Yes, I believe in helping people.

Me: Abortion?

Them: Even in the 4th trimester!

Me: War on Terror?

Them: It will be a great day when the army has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber...

Me: Man made global warming?

Them: Stop talking, you're heating up North America with your carbon exhales!

Me: America's racial climate?

Them: It's all whitey's fault all the time.

Me: Iraq?

Them: Um, hello! President Clooney said we should focus on Darfur.----------------------------

OH MY GOSH! We've just wasted ten minutes of both of our lives with me quizzing your views on everything and all it did was lead me to the same conclusion I would've had if you had just summed it up in one sentence from the beginning: "I'm a liberal." But no, your dumbass has this immature hang up about "laaay-bulllls."

That's what I like about conservatives. They will slap their ideological dick on the table with this: "I'm a conservative." And once they do that, you can then discuss with them the few views with which they might deviate from the typical conservative label. Here's an example of how this works Some person says: "I'm a conservative. (Thwunk!) But I am not with them on the death penalty. I prefer life sentences to be carried out completely."

You see how it works? Labels don't just save lives and prevent butt-rape, they save ten minutes out of my precious day that ends up wasted quizzing people who have every liberal view on earth but refuse to call themselves a liberal. If you are it, don't be ashamed of it. Own your libby-ness, Libby Boys and Girls. And learn to love labels. And if you don't, I'll still be nice to you. You can even come over to my house and I'll serve you coffee. I have cream, and I have some sugar. At least, I think it's sugar. Then again, I'm not sure. I just hate labels.

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