Wednesday, June 24, 2009

My New Plan To Fix Everything

Let's be honest, our current system of government is a hopeless failure. You could say our representative democracy has become an "un-representative democracy." You could also say our republic has become a "banana republic." But if you said that, you'd be lame. Trust me, I know. Because I just did. And now I hate me.

Still, I have the solution. Yes, I have the answer. My super-amazing brain has come up with a new form of government for the once greatest people on earth. (That's us. America. In case you're stupid. And if you're that stupid, you may be one of the reasons we've recently gone to crap.)

So here's my idea for overhauling the system. And no, it's not some stupid "new idea" that turns out to just be a quirky version of the same old retarded socialist system that every hippy thinks he just invented yesterday. No, the new form of government I present to you is called "The Reluctant Representative Republic." Here's how it works:

Instead of letting people run for, and subequently be elected to, public office; we will have a draft. Yes, a draft. Let me explain.

People who run for elected positions are just like people who seek other positions of power: they are the last people who need to be given such power. Good people who hate government don't try to join government - they just bitch about it and go about their productive lives trying to bother this nanny-state that wants to pester them. You never hear of a guy who gets into government and then says, "Wow, I sure wanna leave well enough alone and not bother people. That's my plan!" No, they mettle the crap out of everything with stupid experiments that drain us all. And in the end, we get screwed. Let me make that last sentence more accurate by removing a comma: "And in the end we get screwed."

So if we eliminate the right of the scoundrels to run for office, we still have to put someone in office - because someone still has to run things, now that the tyrannists are unemployed. So how do we do it?

With a draft!

That's right. A damn draft. It will work much like jury duty or forced military service we had up through the Vietnam War. Every year or two, every adult citizen in every town who isn't retarded or a violent felon has their name dropped into a bowl.

Then we all gather in the town square and pray we don't get picked. There will be a drawing for mayor. A drawing for town council. Even a drawing for dog catcher. And every one stands around for the big drawing and prays they don't get picked! And the winners (more accurately: losers) have to serve the elected office they were selected for for one term. I know you think I'm crazy, but seriously, a random person could run a city better than a person who is so sociopathic that they would actually want to run a city! And if you get picked, you never have to serve again after serving your one term. And just in case anyone gets picked who actually WANTS to hold public office, there will be cameras there gauging their reaction at the drawing. In other words, if you immediately smile when being picked to be mayor, you get disqualified from ever being the fucking mayor.

Thank you. I know everything. And I just saved America. You're freaking welcome.

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